So we all stood there and held each other and grandma while she took her last breath. And it hurts so bad to watch someone you love and have learned so much from your whole life just disappear.
A picture from 2005. 1 out of 4 in this picture is alive. I miss you all. :(
My mom wanted me to stay with them but I wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed, with Markus. I need him a lot and he's always there for me when I need him. We went to bed a while after I got home, I only watched Swedish Hollywood Wives on tv3play. But as always it's hard to keep your thoughts out when you're trying to sleep but Markus kept holding me tight in his arms in kissed all the tears away, so I could fall asleep at last. When I woke up this morning however, my face was all swollen. Especially my eyes and nose. Woke up at 8 first but just didn't feel like I could or should get out of bed at that point. So I went back to sleep and woke up at 10 again, got up and got dressed, but my head was a mess and I felt sick. Markus went to school however, but I stayed in and started writing this. Took me a while, it's hard to think about it, but at the same time, it feels nice to let it out.
At 12 Markus came back up and we went downstairs to eat some. I had no appetite andt since I don't like fish with breadcrumbs on it I peeled it off and ate the fish with some sauce at least. When we went back up I was a bit surprised to see my dad standing outside our door, but I knew he was coming of course, forgot that I put my phone on silent.
We talked for a while, looked at some pictures on facebook and then got ready to leave and go back to mom and the rest of the family. We took our time though. The weather today was perfect. 20-23, a bit cloudy but the sun came out now and then and really humid. We drove downtown by 15 and ate some again, hamburgers and hot-dogs. Then we drove around the countryside and stopped at two monuments over the wars from the 1100's and on. We also walked in a field where there were two cows and some sheep, the cows scared me some though, I know, I'm pathetic, but they actually ran towards me!!
However, then we drove to my grandmother's flat and met with mom and my aunt, they had spoken with the undertakers and chose some pictures for the funeral ad or whatever you call it... They also found a perfect poem, which they had used on their grandmother's funeral ad. I liked that.
In our family we're kinda close, and we always take care of each other. This usually includes us eating a lot of great food and playing cards to keep our mood up. That's how we always show our love to each other. So today we ended the day by having a big barbecue with lots of veggies and meat. Some marshmallows went down as well. We were 15 people at the most, and we laughed, cried and talked a lot, about anything and everything, memories and the future. What's really sad but also wonderful is that my oldest cousin is expecting her first child, and my grandmother made a tiny hat and cardigan for the baby. She also started another cardigan, which now lies unfinished in her apartment. But it just makes me sad, cause she always thought about others. She always made clothes for all of us when we were young. Now she only had time to make two pieces for the next generation. I know she was so happy about it and looked forward to it a lot! She and my mom also had plans on going to New York together, but they wont now... Time just passes too fast.
Jag saknar dej redan. Jag saknade dej redan när jag visste hur det skulle gå. Jag har alltid haft dej där och det är jag så tacksam för. Men jag skulle vilja ha dej här ännu längre... Det bästa som fanns med dej var dina kramar. Dom va alltid så speciellt varma och gosiga och man ville inte släppa. Det känns verkligen jättekonstigt att du inte är här. Jag brukade tänka på dej varje dag, om hur du mådde och undra vad du kanske gjorde nu.
Jag hoppas du är på ett ställe där du får ha det bra, känna kärlek, närhet och lycka. Att du inte oroar dej för allt och att du har morfar och Fredrik med dej. Jag lovar att dom tar hand om dej och kramar dej lika hårt som vi brukade krama dej. Jag saknar dej. Massor. I mina tankar ska du alltid vara med mej, precis som alla andra jag saknar. När jag får barn ska jag tänka att du är där och tar hand om dom, precis lika bra som du tog hand om oss. Allihopa. Att vi alla sitter runt bordet uppe på slalomvägen och har kul och skrattar och pratar.
Ta det lugnt nu och oroa dej inte för oss. Vi klarar oss nog. Även om vi är ledsna och saknar dej nått enormt.. Vi älskar dej verkligen. Massor. Jag älskar dej och jag saknar dej. Jag önskar du va här fortfarande.
Sleep, sleep tonight, and may your dreams, be realized. I love you.
Through your weakest moments to leave them behind you
Returning nightmares only shadows
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now